Somewhere along the way, my husband and I stopped texting and started speaking a language only we understand. It’s about 90% “where are you” and 10% “never mind, found it.” For everyone else, here’s the translation.
“Do we need anything from the store?” = I’m already at the store and forgot why.
“Can you call me?” = I can’t find something, and it’s your fault.
“Where are you?” = I’ve been ready for four minutes, which is a record.
“Did you see my text?” = you saw my text.
“I’m almost home” = I’m in the driveway finishing a podcast.
“We need to talk” = about the thermostat.
“Have you seen my keys?” = I’m holding my keys.
“Love you” = I bought something.
“Nothing” = something.
“I put it back where it goes” = I invented a new place where it goes.
“Did you eat?” = I ate your leftovers.
“Just a heads up” = I invited people.
“Fun fact” = I’ve told you this before.
“I’m not mad” = I’ll bring this up in 2031.
“Can you grab one thing?” = here’s a list.
“Your mom called” = call your mom. I’m not doing it again.
“Remember when you said…” = I have it in writing.
“I’ll handle it” = within the calendar year.
“Is the dishwasher clean or dirty?” = nobody knows.
“Sorry, missed your call” = I finished my show first.
“Proud of you” = I mean it, and I told everyone.
“We should start working out” = let’s get a snack and discuss.
“Did you move my charger?” = you moved my charger.
“No pressure” = pressure.
“Goodnight” = I’ll be scrolling three inches from you for another hour.
